Tennessee performed by Arrested Development
Songwriters: Aerle Jones / Todd Thomas
Tennessee lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
Lord, I've really been real stressed, down and out, losing ground
Although I am black and proud, problems got me pessimistic
It's been way too long since I've written to you all. But, as Speech puts it so well - "i been stressed, down and out, losing ground" and it's been a hard, hard winter. The last 9 winters, actually, but that's another post! The world is changing and it is getting harder for many of us to pay for the basics, or even the not-so-basics. I'm what's traditionally known as a "worrier". If I don't have all the things I need, or the family needs -- I mean things like food, shelter, clothing, utilities -- these things make me worry. When I worry, I'm not as clear and when I'm not as clear, writing feels like a luxury I can't afford.
I don't know where I can go to let these ghosts out of my skull.
Time has passed, though and things are looking up and Spring has brought it's promising renewal. Though that also means I can't stop sneezing and the whole world is covered in the products of tree conception. Yes, friends, it is tree mating season in Maryland. And I am allergic to their lovemaking. The Birches especially are making me want to ream out the inside of my sinuses with fire. I do enjoy the trees, being from Kansas lots of trees are still exotic to me. It MUST be why my body wants to reject it all.
(that's tree pollen)
I didn't choose to live in Maryland. Circumstances just led me here. I am only still here because of, well, circumstances. I am used to moving around a lot - I've lived all over the country. The Mid-Atlantic, though, is it's own... special area. I could say more, but I'll put it simply. Although I have been here 10 years now, this is not, and will never be "home".
(Home!) For some strange reason it had to be
(Home!) He guided me to Tennessee
Maryland is my "Tennessee". I am not a fan of being here. I have had some of the worst years of my life here. I have met some of the worst, most broken, self-absorbed and entitled people I have ever known here. I have ended an almost 20 year marriage here. The weather sucks too. The worst, though, is... well it's truly twisted. Like...sick. I'm sorry to say it, but... these people put marshmallow cream on their sno-cones. What the actual hell??
Still, though, for all this negative bullshit, too many things have conspired to send me the message that for this period of time, this is where I'm supposed to be. Too many omens and signs and synchronicities have shown me that. So I asked why. Why do I have to be here in this place I dislike so intensely? Why is often a pointless question, though, isn't it? I still haven't gotten an answer.
Take me to another place, take me to another land
Make me forget all that hurts me, let me understand Your plan
Oh, won't you let me, won't you help me
won't you help me understand Your plan
But then I had a mental shift. I realized that when I am in that space of cloudy, fearful worry, when I'm internally screaming at the heavens
WHY WHY WHY????!!!!
What I'm ultimately doing is blocking my own forward progression. I'm certainly blocking a lot of messages that might help me find a better frame of mind. In that head space, I'm blocking the very things that can help me solve what I'm worried about. I'm blocking, as my friend Mark said "the flow of the Dao". What I finally realized is, it's about faith. I know that I'm going to be ok. That probably sounds... strange to hear to some ears (mine especially) but it's true. Deep down, I always know I am going to be OK. For some folks that's about "God" for others, they might call it Spirit or "the Universe" but really for me, the faith is ultimately in myself. The Christian bible says "faith without works is dead" and I believe that now.
I am going to be OK because of the effort I put in. Because of the work I do toward being OK. Because of the ways I reach out. The ways I continue to try to be better than I was. This is what calm feels like. This is what focus feels like. This is what being grounded feels like.
What are the way that you express or feel faith? What do you believe in? Do you believe in yourself?